ok here, this is just mental vomiting please post if you would like but this is not a request.
you should not read this if you are related to me or have dated me.
Right
so are you gone yet
fine
here we go.
So i'm not the most mentally unstable person in the world In fact all in all i consider myself fairly well balanced, but thats because i feel that i know what and where my insecurities lie where the traps are in my own head. the problem is they are interfearing now with my life. I told a friend the other day that counseling was only needed when i can't win the argument with myself. I think i may have been avoiding the fights with myself, I have some pretty ugly memories and some of them are almost as old as i am, this post is part of that process.
my family, i love you to death, but damn did you screw me up without realizing it. I've fully admitted the damage done by my sisters but by being themselves and my mother for trying to let me be myself. I've come to terms with this, now i'm back to college and i'm going for what i'm good at. here is the classic problem, and it is almost distasteful to try and admit it because its cliche. Father figures, i don't really have them, step father isn't much to write home about my best friends growing up were my step brothers and he was a terrible father to them. my father, well he didn't exist, i was raised with the stories of how he was a terrible father, i saw how terrible my step father was, and i heard how dumb my sisters boyfriends could be, then my friends in high school.
18 years with primary male figures in a negative light the constant reenforcing concept that my gender is terrible, that i have something i need to compensate for, that i am deficient by being male. This is not just one scar this is a network of scars from one knife in one stroke. male deficiency, predisposition to ... ... ... idiocy, cruelty, failure. an underlying NEED to be better, better than my step father, better than the memory of my father, better than every man who ever made my sisters or my friends cry.
no where, no where except with this one person have i found someone who truly wants me to be myself, to make mistakes and just be me. i have 25 years to undue, 18 years from family another 7 years from girlfriends. my first left me feeling utterly unattractive, telling me all of three times in 2.5 years that i looked good. my second left me feeling inadequate in bed, and began the divorcing of my emotions from sex.my next partners weren't official, completing the divorce of romance and sex, my next girlfriend was a quick three week thing, and i was a rebound, i helped her heal, this started me as a sort of emotional rehabilitation center, there for a short time to be what they've not had to heal the wounds of the past. the next one was completely whacked and doesn't bear mentioning. the next one was close, but i couldn't be myself, anytime i was trying for individuality there was conflict i couldn't grow.
Now i've got seriously ingrained genetic inferiority complex, another one physically then sexually, now positive results only through helping others move on to people who are not me, these at least start helping me realize i'm better than average, but seriously imparing my ability to believe i can be in a relationship for the long term. i think there is more but this is done for right now
there is a truth in emotion that can not be found in the mind, it doesn't follow any universal laws. time, space, or logic. try applying any of these rules and you will fail to see it. close your eyes open your heart and you will find a truth that reality can not alter, but can bend the very fabric of the universe
i have just cried for the first time since davis california, a number of years i can't even remember any more. At the time in california i first heard seasons of love and it made me feel unhindered by thousand rational thoughts, i simply felt, i remembered hundreds of times with friends good times, bad times, but in that moment i knew those friends i felt every moment, and i was happy, i felt simple joy and it brought tears to me.
Tonight i made a very conscious decision to not resist an emotional reaction, something that is very hard for me.
now as most of you may know by now almost all of my poetry comes from moments of pain, depression, or frustration.
for the first time today i wanted to write happy poetry, i wanted to write it for someone. What i felt in that moment i will not now or every forget the singular clarity of that moment.
read back through my posts, and you will find a constant theme, a worry about my ability to feel, to just feel.
that is why this is so important.
it will not be posted, if written it will be for one set of eyes only.
WHATS SO GOD DAMNED GREAT ABOUT BEING NORMAL. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH, this isn't pointed at anyone except myself, ok some explanation needed i guess. So everyone has those moments when their instincts war against their logic, it is annoying but something we learn to deal with, but what about when instinct war with instinct. what happens feels very similar to one of the shopping carts passing the nifty yellow line, sudden stop. whats worse about this stop (or at least it feels this way to me) is that when two instincts clash it throws all instincts into question and you suddenly have to remind you body that no you have no problem with the concept of breathing so please do so again. then you tell your body that yes falling down is bad, so please stop thinking about it, and one by one you start your body up again. Heres another way to think of it, take your nice 5 speed manual sports car, take it onto the highway and get cruising in fourth gear, now instead of throwing to fifth drop it into park. ok so now you may have a good idea of what it feels like when my instincts war. Today the fight is What feels natural VS. The desire to be normal. Ok lets take a look here, what are a few things that feel natural. some of these will apply to most people some only to me. walking breathing eating dancing singing procreation urination defecation *insert all seven deadly sins.* all these things feel natural get yourself a good psychologist and a first year med student and you'll have all the proof you need that all of these things are natural and are in fact healthy. as a matter of fact almost all natural instincts are healthy in one way or another. So now we get to "normal" now those friends and family members that i have who are or are close to normal this is not an attack on you, but every last one of you knows i'm not normal. the things i see in normal people, 9-5 job, socially acceptable dress differs for everyone given social network. a set of social behaviors that is confusing at best and appalling at worst. at best its a set of double standards set to perpetuate gender lines by requiring guys to act one way with guys, girls to act one way with girls, a whole set of other actions between two people attracted to each other and for those who arn't Most of which are mutually exclusive. Now the fact that the behaviors for single gender situations are actually acceptable even encouraged disgusts me, i've yet to meet a single normal person who acts anything like themselves in situations like that. now here is the really fucked up thing i realized today, there is even a level of socially acceptable deviations, things that will get a perfunctory clucking at or a "well everyone has faults" but still places you in the realm of normal. Personally i want to know just when deviations became "normal" natural yes. inevitable definitely but normal????? now i have noticed that most people in the sub cultures, always have a story of how they fell out of society something happened in childhood to cause them to rebel or as adults to come to detest society, a minority comes at it the sane way, by deciding that it is what they are and join, they follow their nature and it fits them. no horror story no big event. I am one of these, my childhood was not filled with any hardship greater than most children and in fact i had it easier than most, in high school i had a group to belong to, likewise in college. So my problem is that i never got the complete severance with normal, its still possible for me, hell most people i work with get that impression because i simply don't talk about what i enjoy. but once i open my mouth about what makes me happy there isn't a chance in hell I could be normal, or so i thought. most of my deviations are within that realm of socially accept, I'm a geek, big deal the number of geeks has grown exponentially in the ten years, i'm in the SCA big whoop. I'm a theater kid, again nothing bad there. I've always slid away from the things i know i enjoy but i know would not fit in the second category. The fashions i find appealing, the tattoos i want, turning to metal or leather craft for a living, bellydancing, Yes there is more to the list, but i have family reading. So now comes the problem, the things i want, that i KNOW i want right now, are not normal, i know they are not because my gears slip every time i think of them. They feel right, They feel like me, i know they ARE me, but each time this filter kicks in sometimes anger sometimes embarrassment always a tinge to let me know this would be "frowned upon" the further it gets the stronger the tinge. Now with the exception of murder or grievous harm i tend to go with my instincts with what is natural, but now i'm in conflict how do i get around this normal trigger so that i can enjoy these things, so that i can be who i know i am. I keep on hearing from others, that they like who i am deep down inside, i like it too, i know it shows in my smile when i have those moments of uninhibited happiness. i want those more often, i don't want my joy tainted because of my own vestigial attachment to the social norm. ARRRRRGGGG oh and for those just now tuning into the phoenix channel and hasn't seen one of these rants before this is how it works Phoenix lives life Phoenix sees something he doesn't like Phoenix thinks about thing he doesn't like at length Phoenix rants about thing he doesn't like Phoenix debates and talks with people, Phoenix takes what advice seems useful and feeds the rest to the cats Phoenix fixes problem an moves on Rinse repeat this process will never end because as long as i am alive i will be reevaluating and changing. give advice and don't get frustrated. Phoenix
i was going to update with a full review of pennsic, but sadly pennsic is now overshadowed by a realization too long in the coming. I've lost one of the few identities that was ever mine, stolen from me by the world that forces me to live by it's standards. I no longer understand the people that gave me identity, taught me about real beauty and friendship, taught me how to dance how to let myself live free of expectations.
only a small number of people that i'm still in contact with can actually remember me on the dance floor of manray, in the walls of the gaming club, walking the night. so let me give you an image
Freedom, freedom from expectation, freedom to have my own thoughts my own feelings, knowing that my friends would respect the difference between me and them.
Knowing that when wendsday nights came i could always find a ride, could always get to the place where i belonged. We would pile into a car as many as would fit, and drive an hour to boston, talking the whole time of things from philosophy to tv, science to games, with good music in the background. when we parked we didn't need to worry about walking the "dangerous backstreets of boston" we were a part of the night there, the other dwellers of the night left us alone, we could walk without fear admiring the beauty a city takes on when the sun is down. This part of the city was OURS the stores open late new us by sight, people moved out of our way because for these few hours the city was ours.
Then you take a turn down a dark side street, past where the lights shine to a brick building painted matte black, with no windows and the doors were well hidden except for the main entrance that had people smoking out side it and a small line, otherwise the buildings only mark was a sign far from the door done in pale blue neon. This was not a building people would wander into on accident. When you entered the door you were not immediately assaulted by music, instead you were in a sort of foyer with three choices, immediately to your left was a lounge, with big comfy chairs, a pool table dark art on the walls, and some arcade games to one side, you could hear the music but you could also hear what was being said.
your next choice was The Cage, an area with both dance floor and stage, this is where live bands would occasionally preform and all other time would be spinning goth and ebm. when there wasn't a band there was a metal cage done in patterns up around the stage so people could go up and dance behind it. The walls were done in mural form, and in the back corner was a torn up black couch that was the haunt of me and mine where you could find us talking or playing uno, or doing the man dance.
Your third choice was the front room, where the heavy metal and industrial played where the rivet heads and stompy dancers came to play. eight foot towers of speaker at each corner of the floor very stark. here you could find people wearing anything from chains linked through all of their piercing and leather pants, to women in prom dresses.
it didn't matter what you wore, as long as you made some attempt to respect the dress code, if your dress was your own it was accepted, it didn't matter how you danced but that you danced, as long as you respected the wishes of others to dance their own way. You wouldn't find the dance floor full of men trying to grind unwilling women you would find a dance floor full of people there to dance, if they chose to make out they took it off the dance floor.
and still there was conversation, on any and every topic, from politics to how best to use the torture device hanging on the walls for pleasure. the feel of dancing is almost impossible to describe, so connected that no one touched except on purpose, the floor was alive with us and the music our heart beat. and that is where the acceptance came in, you couldn't walk off that floor after a song like engel, or christfuck, or the mummers dance without feeling like you part of something bigger, feeling like you were now a part of everyone else on the floor. it wasn't community it was family.
and now it is nothing but a memory i've become a mundane, as bad as the day before i ever stepped foot in that club, searching, groping, for that community, that understanding and freedom.
i feel now the grips of jealousy for compersion has left me, gone are the days when i could look at the woman i loved smile and tell her to go have fun with her lover, gone the days when i could close my eyes and shut out the world and dance for all the world to see, knowing none would judge me, gone the days when i wouldn't judge others for their expression
and it makes me sick
it makes me furious
it makes me want to cry like i have never cried before.
i can't have it all back for manray is gone, and you can never have back that first perfect experience, but now i know what is missing, now i know what i have lost and i can get it back, for years have passed and many are the lessons i have learned, and now if i am lucky is another city that has the culture i lost, and i can get it back. Its going to be hard breaking myself of all the bad habits forced on me, of becoming a true part once more. i want back the days when i would look at myself in the mirror and smile because i liked everything that lay beneath for my sacrament was my dance as was my worship and on the dance floor is where my sins left and my flaws were tempered by my virtue.
may i find it once more and may i not repeat the same mistakes twice.
here's the thing about choices, they are everywhere, and as often as not they have a mind of their own, if you don't pay attention to them they make themselves, if you focus too much on one another will get jealous and hit you when you not expecting it. It is no secret that i read tarot, it is no secret that a large portion of my thought process is dedicated to the future, watching actions and following their consequences to several removes and all the resultant paths there in. So it really doesn't surprise me when i see all the choices in my life, Choices I'm going to need to make, how other peoples choices affect me and my choices, how other peoples choices will affect each other and affect me. Now my normal actions involve, looking for the big choices, but living my life trusting in god and myself and let life lead where it will. Unfortunately i don't have a life right now, i'm in a holding pattern, waiting for certain things, interviews, events and moves. so all i can do is sit around plotting choices, i have mine plotted out months and in some of the more probable paths years, i see every choice, the little and large and it pisses me off.
WHY
because almost every one of my decision for the foreseeable is dependent on other peoples actions, sometimes the chain of actions is at a third degree of separation from me. I guess this is a reason i move so much, to prove to myself that my life is in my control, i know it isn't it hasn't been for years, but the illusion of it is important to me. even this move isn't in my control, i'm moving because there is work there, because KC failed and there is a chance of life for me in st louis, but i have some bad habits, i'm antisocial now, i'd rather keep my interactions through a computer screen than in person, in person i have to deal with my mistakes, in person i'm human. This won't stop me from doing it, from breaking these bad habits, i just wish i didn't have them in the first place.
There was something i once said to a dear friend of mine, "there is never just one option, and if you can find that second option there are surely more out there, sometimes they are bad options but always options."
so here i am about to go to sleep when a rant slipped unnoticed into my mind, now if your familiar with rants the best way to deal with them is to expell them as soon as they arrive.
Today's rant brought to you by instant messaging, the older generations and hypocracy.
Dating on the internet. we are told now that it is dangerous, that you can't really tell what someone is like because they may be hiding things from you and they may be dangerous. I just realized all of that is fucking true about "real" dating. someone can lie to you just as well in person as they do online, can make up a fake history, family, lifestyle. its been happening for centuries, back when instant messaging involved paper and ink a post carrier and weeks between messages. People have been trying to make themselves look better for just as long by making up a past that might bear a passing acquaintance with reality. here are the warnings i have heard growing up.
Meet in a public place the first few times: As i recall thats what used to be called a date, meet someone you don't know in a public place to talk to them and get to know them.
becareful, they may be lying about their age: So what am i going to do card them, only thing i'm worried about is going to jail, hey you know those dates we just mentioned, pretty easy to get your hands on their id to check it in those situations.
But they could have other spouses or significant others without telling you. And how is their lying going to be different in person.
From what i see all the dangers of dating on the internet apply to dating in real life, you need to use caution and restraint (i'm not talking silk rope or hand cuffs here) to be safe.
Now what i also remember is this It's not what they look like that matters, Its whats on the inside that counts. You should talk long and hard before doing anything physical. If the mind is beautiful the body doesn't matter. Now not even throwing these arguments that i was raised hearing everywhere at the LGBT marriage issue ( i support it but this isn't that rant) How can the same people say these thing and decry the horrors of text based conversation.
What better way to get to know someone then in a situation where you hormones are locked behind a firewall, where the tension and fear of being right in front of someone is reduced, a medium where you can be utterly honest because all the social pressure of these conversations, in "polite" venues disappears. how better to fall in love with a soul then when the flesh doesn't exist.
Now this rant spawned because i've been talking to quite a few people online, i have many friends spread through out the country, Now a few of these friends over the years have been made entirely online i've never met some of them, I have been able to be more honest with them, become closer friends with them and have more meaningful conversations in a shorter span then """"real"""" friends. now one or two of these over the years have developed romanticly and always is this pressure, but you haven't met them, this could be a lie, you can't fully invest till you've met this person. WHY why should i deny the beauty of a soul i've met because i haven't encountered the flesh, why should i be forced to question the reality of emotion because its only the personality I know. people mock couples who met and married online call them foolish, you know what i call them free, if both people went into it being honest and real then they likely have a deeper understanding of each other then some married couples i Know.
When you just chatting you tangent and you are less likely to shy away from "forbidden" topics, and so you learn about and debate religion, sexuality, sex, politics, food, clothing, entertainment, the past, friends, family, and everything else because how else can you continue to talk for 4 hours a day everyday and avoid topics like "the weather" or "sports"
So once again i say FUCK YOU social rules, i'm not going to let you taint a relationship and its depth because your ignorant of your own hypocracy i will talk and learn and feel and it will be real because as you told me, what counts is the soul and you learn of the soul through talk not sex.
You know you might be attracted to someone when, you can see them in tight workout clothes gyrating and bending and your still looking in their eyes while they talk to you.
so quite a bit has happened in the last couple of weeks this likely won't be a chronological post. i am living in kansas city right now, staying with a friend doing odd jobs for people to get by waiting for my landlords to pay me my due. my next step is st louis many people there, many possibilities.
lilies war was last week, 10 days of living when and where i was meant to. 1400 people camping in one place with the only one thing in mind, leave the modern world behind and live in simpler times, to teach and learn and enjoy. i spent 10 days with friends dancing and singing, swimming and laughing, no need for money, no need for watches or glasses. to wear the clothes that fit our personalities. i made friends and memories that will warm me in the cold night. and friends that will be with me despite distance. it was sad to leave but i will remember always the time.
many friends were found old friends were seen again and now my hour are filled with conversation both light and serious. Some of these friends have great potential to go beyond mere friendship, i see much more in the future for many of them.
on the crystal front, when i got home my first thought was to call her, she acted oddly, blew me off. this combined with the fact that the silver phoenix she had given me last year disappearing at lilies i had a strong suspicion what was going on. it took her two days to finally tell me she had met someone new. For those who didn't know she and i were working out our problems in attempt to get back together. Yes when she told me it hurt, hurt more that she thought i would be angry or cause a problem. Oddly the fact that it hurt actually triggered a healing in me far far deeper than the pain caused. For years i have carried a weight of guilt around with me, all the pain i have caused everything from a broken heart to the emotional paper cut each moment, each instance remembered forever and carried as my own because I had not yet felt pain of the heart. The pain of that moment lanced the festering wound of my heart and now i am free of that guilt. i can feel unburdened. thanks to one i have loved truly i may now love freely without guilt or burden knowing i can love and i can hurt. Thank you.
Though our romance has moved on, i swear our friendship is still strong and i will not let it go as well, Pennsic is in four weeks, crystal will be there with her new boy and so will I, i will be greatly amused to see his reaction when i refuse to be less a friend to her than before, to see how he reacts to me. A great friend once said the best way to avoid anger is laughter.
Pennsic is in four weeks, it will be twice as long, will it be too much, will i be able to adjust to reality again when i come back, will i be returning to kansas city or st loius, will i be single or will i have a new flame to cherish. who knows
so my mind feels very much like it is trying to sufficate itself the way one can sufficate inside a whirlwind with the air being sucked out of you lungs. here is so much in my mind right now, should i be looking for a real job or just something temporary to hold out till after pennsic and move, should i move to orlando or vermont, should i try a new state, college or no. What is my priority, one of the major questions am i more concerned with making "a living" an act that tends to involve quite a bit of work and very little living. am i concerned with "living it up" again something that involves lots of activities but also being stone broke and hungry as often as not. am i looking to make my stand on Love, and if so which love, love of a good woman or the love of family and friends, do i want security or freedom and why must it be one or the other is love security of freedom love is said to be the freeing of emotion and restraint and giving yourself to someone completely, love is also supposed to give you a firm foundation where two can stand against a hundred while united family love, "friends will come and go, so will lovers, but family is there for you all you life" a statement that holds so true for me but cruely is denied so many i care for, family should be a refuge from pain and problems not the primary source. is my family so different from me as i always thought, i can talk with my sister and their husbands, shelby's husband saved much of my sanity at my other sister wedding party. or have i been some how trying to disconnect from each foundation i have on this rediculous notion that independence means not ties. Have i been pushing away family friends and the one i love because of some neurotic notion of needing to be free. I went over to a friends house yesterday for a sewing night, only one tunic was finished i have eight more needing to be done in five days. i'm very frustrated because if i had been allowed to use the machine i could have finished at least two more probably three with no issue, now i have to use days when i should be out looking for a job to sew because i need to be not naked next week. also i was stranded over there because my ride had an attack from her medical condition, well one of them, and she kept on saying "i'll be fine, i'll be fine it will pass in a few minutes then i'll take you home" If she had just admited she may not be up to it that these could last for days i may have made it home last night so that i could have helped my room mate with something she had asked me for help with, i wasn't able to keep a promiss because of someone else's pride. no control, unable to leave, nothing to do, my instincts telling me to just up and walk out and home, god damned freedom, today we hung out, promiss that someone would take me home once they woke up... unfulfilled, get asked if i want to go with them to see a band they know at a local fair, wouldn't be too long. turns out they were playing country we leave, instead of heading back we drive to a blues bar jam session for damn near four hours. nothing against blues, but its not my thing, if asked i would have happily been dropped off en route. simon was asked if there was something else he needed to be doing, i was not it was assumed that since i have no pressing concerns i had no time constraints, another day of sewing wasted to music i don't really like. but these people are nice, they could be friends, they are easy around me, i feel the urge to relax around them and be myself, to make more connection when the ones i have are tearing me apart. florida massachusetts calontir vermont four places i want to be all at once, people wonder why i move so much its because there are four places with an equal claim on me and i can't have them all at once or even two at a time. City Friends Family Love lifestyle which do you choose if you must choose one and sacrifice all else. i don't want one more set of friends that i care so much about i don't want to think that i must hang around people at least one if not two generations ahead of me to find kindred spirits let alone needing periodic doses of living in a previous century to stay sane in this one.
i could go to theropy i likely should but i know the dance, i know the root cause of all of this but knowing doesn't change it or stop it from being real. when theropy fails they use drugs and theropy, what would come out wouldn't be me, wouldn't even be Ken. it would be someone sleep walking through life with a desk job a dysfunctional relationship and eventually fucked up kids. my problems arn't chemical, they're mental and social, using drugs to fix them is dangerous and stupid. if some one has a spider bite, putting make up over it doesn't heal the bite. things i need, i need the city, i need someplace with places i can go after dark and enjoy myself, i need theater people who understand what it means to read and control facial expressions, i need friends i can hang out with who can talk about multiple things and who don't abide the polite rules of conversation. i need time away from the city, away from society and technology with people who pride independence and craftsmanship. I need a person i can touch and lower my guards around someone i can love and who will understand why i don't want to have kids. i don't want to wait two years for her how insideous and poisonous is it when you know there is still two years till you could even be with the person again with people whispering in you ear how you can do better, how she/you deserve better. people who haven't known her for years don't see the work the change only see the small period not at her best, if people judged me based on a couple of months when i'm not at my best i wouldn't have any friends the onse i have have seen me at beyond my worst since there are many things i wouldn't do again or go even close to. and still they choose me.
is it really so hard to ask for this all to exist in one place, with no handy lottery tickets winning i can't live in all places at once. why can't i let these people in, as one of my ex's once put it, " is there no more room in the house of my heart will allowing someone else in evict someone else" here too how am i ever to know if i am poly if i can't bring myself to love one person let alone multiple.
do i stay finish my lease get my 6month tenure with darden and give kansas another try, or do i go, try and get transfered and be with the people who can keep me sane and not self destructive, have a place i can not be lonely at surrounded by people.
i just don't know anymore, which is more responsible.
news flash people, economy sucks, and people need to survive. this means when shit hits the fan you need to be sure you can survive first and then others come second.
I moved to kansas because there was no work in orlando, i found work, and it started out only being enough to keep me alive and out of the weather, as a matter of fact thats how it was untill about last week, so yes, there are people i owe money, and they weren't getting it, because i'd rather piss people off then sleep on the street, and i NEED a hot meal and a shower daily in order to make money.
i have it now and i'll be paying people back, but heres a hint, when someone says, oh hey i have the money i owe you and i was thinking of sending a little extra as an apology for taking so long,
DON'T go into how big an ass they are and how you don't really think they're telling you the truth in the first place. Guess what at the very least there goes that extra, and maybe just maybe they'll decide that there is someone else they owe money to that needs it more than you do.
Also don't ask someone to take extraordinary steps to pay you money they owe you if your not willing to take extra ordinary steps in order to get the money yourself. If you need the money so badly then do what it takes to get it, the economy may suck but there is money to be made if you need it badly enough.
and last point of note, it's a really really bad idea to pick an argument with someone who works 80 hours a week in food service to pull there ass out of debt, has to deal with assholes and deadbeats 80 hours a week because they're not going to take shit off the clock when they've had to take it while on the clock.
well here is the news from kansas. Stress. i have one friend i can count on, he's even more broke than i am. I am broke, i make almost 600 a week and its not enough, i did my budget yesterday and i need to make 1750 in the next two weeks to cover all of my responsabilities. I'm angry for no reason other than 120 dollars a day isn't enough money and it pisses me off, that i can't spare enough money to eat right or to spend the 40 i need to get materials to keep my mind and hands busy. i can't go to sca events because i need to work those days.i'm working to survive not to live and that goes against my beliefs. there is no reason to work so hard if your not living. and i am not living.
wow, i just had a very good conversation with an old friend, he helped me out a bunch and all i've got to say is damn do i have hang ups luckily i know most of them, those i don't know will likely be uncovered after solving these, but i'm working on them, and i will be successful, just need to deep program about a half dozen things that i hard wired into me, nothing big
no body takes credit cards anymore, at least nobody i need to pay. Im so fucking sick of this situation I don't know what to do. I want to pay off debts so i can go back to school but the only loans for that don't go into in school deferment so i would have to start paying immediately. and it would start at 350 dollars a month and only go up each year after that by a factor of 200 dollars. really what s the fucking point, this credit buisness is shit and i wish america would wake up and realize just how much of the country the banks own. look where we are. i want to go back to vermont for school but to do that i should get residency there first. but that takes a year, plus i would need a car and a job. job is not so easy. car is a little easier. but that still puts me another year behind,
I am so fucking frustrated right now its not even close to funny.
heres a thought, get second job here, work ass off for two months, move to vermont become hermit living in the woods.
i have a financial dillema, i'm purchasing a full sca armor kit as a birthday present to myself. however i am being plagued by the imp of responsability and having just done the numbers, it would cost the same amount to pay off my remaining bad debt as it would be to purchase this armor. I really want this armor badly, it's beautiful and practical. But i want to be able to go back to college and i can't do that with this debt hanging around my neck. so i could pay off my debt and work towards my armor, or get my armor and work my debt off while trying to get to pennsic. getting to pennsic would be easier if i didn't have debt but i might not have armor to fight in time. Without the debt i'm likely to get a better rate on car insurance for that car that is becoming available to me, to purchase.
I should never make a financial decision sober. besides it's looking like i may be leaning more towards combat archery as opposed to heavy list. and it would be different armor i would need. must look up east kingdom rules, maybe use Jsc FROLF course for target practive, or air born frisbees
damn it i wanted that armor, but my credit score higher. Sigh
this is an lj only post. Recently i've been going through a pretty long period of self analysis this has been going on for months, and my constant change of circumstance has actually helped me out, but now i'm faced with a dillema, A Good deal of my problems have been the conflict of trying to move on into an adult life while holding to the dreams and ideas of my youth. There are a good deal that are completely possible to carry over, and the few that don't are ready to be put to rest anyway, my wanderlust for example. however there is one that will not die gently and it was the dream born of the boy starved for compliments, whose body image has always been low and had too many girlfriends tell him, "Its not how you look that matters to me, it's what's on the inside i love" the damage from so much of this has left me emotionally crippled. I know now looking back that this has recently been one of the causes for my poor reactions in my last relationship. and leaving behind that dream is what it will take to move on, to accept the chance that person has given me to redeem myself and have a real meaningful relationship. But ye gods of heaven it hurts, it hurts more than i though any one dream could, because i have had it for so long, dreamed of it daily and to throw it away, to leave it behind, would feel like i was giving in to my own self image, accepting that i'm not attractive that i don't deserve that dream.
Its hard even now to say what that dream is, because if i say it someone may do it, and then i'll know they only did it because i said it and it won't be because they actually thought it on their own, saying it in definate terms is accepting it's death because i will never be able to believe someone did it on their own, i will always believe they're just doing it because they think they should.
But i'm 25 or near enough now after this birthday its only a matter of keeping score till i'm old enough for senior citizenship. after this year i'll be legally old enough for anything. and it feels like its time to move on, i want this real relationship, i miss her, i miss the constant knowledge that there was someone there for me, who accepted me entirely and who knew me. I miss the days in salem, the days in boston, the days before florida came between us. i miss being able to read in bed with her and just know she was there, or taking walks in the snow to the library. I didn't concsiously know that i had an adult relationship till just a few days ago, not the fire and flash of days long gone, but i knew it at the time and it scared me, the thought that it could last so long, knowing that it would be the end to so many desires, proof that i was growing up. and like so often in the past i screwed it up. i think i needed that break, this time to really start coming to terms with everything or i may have continued on conflicted and never truly able to accept and settle down. Now i just hope i can do it, away from orlando's influence, out on my own discovering what it is i enjoy in life.
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